I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
Whatevss it will be funn .. Hopefully no one projectile vomits on the wall again.. Its kinda become a tradition though
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
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