my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
Randomize
