I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
Randomize
