She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize
