The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize
