I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
Randomize
