If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
all I know is he gave me a Cialis and tried to take me home.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
Randomize
