i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
She wants to have naked weekends
They call that free range vagina in France
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Randomize
