Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Randomize
