I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Randomize
