Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
She solidified the fact that the icon from Wendy's is the only ginger I care for
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
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