Fine. I'll sleep in my office
Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Randomize
