Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
Randomize
