you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
so he had an ashton kutcher Kelso haircurt. dude, we're in our mid to late 20s, I don't think we can ridicule guys for having hair anymore.
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
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