I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
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