zippers are such a cool invention
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
sarcasm needs its own font
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
Randomize
