the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
At what point in life does one make the conscious decision to incorporate capes into everyday life? Like, as a fashion statement?
I'm not sure how to answer that. Is it a general question or one you're wondering about for yourself? Because I don't think you're there yet.
So again no comment on the cleavage. I'm a bit disappointed. If those girls come together to make cleavage AND I send you a pic of it, you have to comment on it. That's like relationship 101.
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
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