the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize