Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
Ok say I was sexually attracted to a patient who also happens to be in high school...on how many levels is that illegal? And will I actually hear the laws break when I fuck him
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
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