Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
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