when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
I am never drinking with the goths again.
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
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