Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
There's so many drinking games in the Olympics.
you missed out this chick was licking her paddle
Randomize