She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
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