Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
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