i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
Yeah I'm pretty much like lane on gilmore girls except my mom doesn't look so mean all the time.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
Randomize
