im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
Randomize
