you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
Are we planning this because I am online looking for places with a Mechanical bull
Randomize
