Someone told me they could tell we were from cincinnati because we say "as fuck" after adjectives
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
Randomize
