She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Randomize
