This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
Randomize
