umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
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