you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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