I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
Mind blown. Apparently, it's PRErogative, not PERogative. I blame Bobby Brown.
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
Randomize
