The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
white trash bash was a total success...cops shut it down twice and her hair stayed in rollers all night..she never broke character
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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