He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
Randomize
