I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
Randomize
