apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
Randomize
