I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
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