Apparently you make a good broom.
Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
Randomize
