I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
Randomize
