Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
Naked. naked and bneed help.
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
