i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
Randomize
