im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
only you would photoshop your dick
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
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