the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
I have fb friend requests from two random swedish brothers... Must have something to do with that hostel I stumbled into on mardi gras
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
with the possibility that i could very easily fall in love with him and i've actually talked to my HUSBAND about it
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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