someone owes me an orgasm
there should be a relationship option on facebook "stillllll in a relationship"
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
Found your dick twin last night
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
Currently hiding in the shower from the RA and my elbow turns it on. Showers and Ciroc don't mix..
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
Verdict: uncircumcised.
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize
