He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
road dome is illegal, just asked in driving school.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
No. I just want to cuddle and talk about our feeling. Of course this a booty call.
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
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