does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
ID DO HER
SHE HAS LUMPS OF DEODORANT IN HER ARMPIT, I THINK ONE FELL IN YOUR DRINK
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
What's the place called?
I searched "county" on google, but....there's a lot of results
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
Randomize
