ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
I wanna passion pit in your ass
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
she was talking to me but i could help but stare at the extremely long hairs on her boobs. then she says, "your looking at the hair on my boobs aren't you"
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
Im currently watching two girls making out. In the library. Hope your studying is going as good as mine is. Haha
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
Randomize
