i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
Randomize
