I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
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