is it wrong that I prefer my women with low self esteem and a smidgen of an eating disorder?
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
i now understand why vodka
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
Randomize
