Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
It's horrible of you to say your above all this when the bar uses your drunk picture to scare people.
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Randomize
