You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
I no longer see him as a simple set of male genitalia attached to a very sexy body. The title "trophy fuck" seems wrong. Damn.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
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