i have i love cock written on my hand and a vagina drawn on my arm and i just finished eating breakfast with the whole fam for mothers day
ahah at least you got away with it
nope...my gran was the one who informed me
i love accidental penises.
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
Randomize
