Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
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