im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
but i got with him after midnight so its technically 2 days
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
Randomize
