Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
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