Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
The best feeling....farting and having the bubble hit your balls
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
well the blowjob for study guide exchange was a success.
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
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