just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
be right there i have to get my cape
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
i read his ps3 instant messaging thing... he's meeting a guy to have sex. i think your boyfriend's gay
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
Randomize
