Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
Randomize
